We’ve reached the point of the White Stripe of the flag; this part Represents the Spectrum of Intimacy Experienced [Sexual, Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, etc]. The term intimacy comes from the Latin word intimus, which signifies the innermost self, implying that to be intimate with someone is to understand their deepest essence. In the earlier rendition of this flag, it represented The Spectrum of Sexual Intimacy [SOSI] and a reason why this was previously present was to, again, acknowledge the nuances of sex within the Asexual Identity. While Asexuality acknowledges a complete lack of [or very little] sexual attraction, there are still people [in the Ace Umbrella] within this identity who have sex/experience sexual attraction for/at different reasons/levels. Over the years, I’ve noticed a divide in the community that has caused a mixture of invalidation, puritan values, and elitism.
‘Asexuals don’t have sex’ ‘Why would an Asexual Person have sex?’ ‘You can’t be Asexual and have sex’ You’re not really Ace if you have sex’ and so on
Many of these comments combat each other in a way the pushes the idea that there’s only one ways to ‘be’; enforcing that one person’s experience is less than, abnormal and/or deviant due to the over emphasis of the definition and not the persons relationship to this experience. As queer people, the way we move in the world already falls in opposition to most of societal norms we’ve seen established today. Keeping this in mind, we’ve also seen an increase in puritanism over the years, which has furthered the desire to restrict peoples freedom of expression, in fear of either being a target of harm or being ‘grouped in’ and ‘othered’ without discernment. In my mind, these thoughts and behaviours are fundamentally, conceptually and historically, the antithesis of queerness, in a political context and as an umbrella term that holds many LGBTQIA+ identities as well. It is integral for us to not fall into the trap of comfort, passivity, ‘sameness’ or conformity, as that can develop into extreme punitiveness towards people in our community.
As I originally used the white stripe to center SOSI, uplifting Asexual who do experience sexual attraction, I received feedback that allowed me to broaden the ways intimacy is valued, that’s more inclusive to things that’s not exclusive to sex. As Queer/Asexual people, we have the opportunity to explore other types of intimacy that decenters heteronormativity. While sexual intimacy is present, physical, emotional, intellectual [and more] are also highly valued by people in our community. Because these are defined by the individual, each person has a chance to explore which ones hold weight in their world and build more confidence in their journey that would strengthen their connection to Asexuality without judgement.
Exploring varied types of intimacy opens the door to, again, dive deeper into these terms and analyze them more as concepts, with an emphasis on the ‘bigger picture’ ideas instead of rigid definitions. Broad reflections allow folks to better understand how this impacts their interpersonal relationships and empower them to choose what’s best for them.
There’s so much diversity to experience in Intimacy. Let’s break them down a bit here:
Physical Intimacy can look like: Hand-holding; eyes contact; hugs; expressing warmth; kissing; flirting, etc. Check out this article by Drs. Melissa & Scott Symington on Green, Purple & Orange: The 3 Types of Physical Intimacy
Emotional Intimacy can look like: Open Communication of Feelings, Be “In the Moment” During Quality Time Together, Prioritize Time Together, verbal affirmations [etc]
Intellectual Intimacy can look like: Engaging in deep conversations that further your knowledge and leave the door open to more curiosity.
Let’s also acknowledge that there are SO MANY types of intimacy [all of which, need consent to occur]! Some of these things overlap in how you build connections and sometimes the can stand on their own. The only way to know this is to, first, understand the language, second, explore the ways you value that in your life.
Here are a few more Articles & Papers you can read to start your learning!
Sexuality, intimacy and relationships, 2017
Healthy Relationships - Intimacy
What Is Sexual Intimacy?, 2024
Intellectual Intimacy | Building Stronger Friendships, 2024
Rôle of Intellectual Intimacy in Psychological Well-being: The Cognitive Connection
Now, I would love to know, as Asexual People, what types of intimacy show up in your life? Which ones hold the most weight for you? As you got older, how did intimacy change for you? Please share below!
Thank you all of continuing to follow along this journey. Through all the ignorance I’ve been exposed to in the past 3 months, I continue to find joy in those who see themselves better represented in this flag.
If you want to support me, consider being a part of the Ace Babe Collective by being a paid subscriber on this Substack, OR, send some love to my Kofi [PNG’s & Hex Codes of this flag are available there as well!].
Just a heads up to those who follow me on my other socials, I’ve implemented a 24hr lock on comments on Instagram x Tiktok & only established followers on Facebook can comment. Folks need to sit with their thoughts more before overreacting to information that’s being shared.
Chat ya’ll later!
-Ashabi
Thank you for this article! Your thoughts about intimacy made me more aware how important intimacy is in my life.